De-Shaming

Dear Rosies,

Earlier this month, I was leading a Pelvic Activation Session online with a group of 20 or so women from around the world, all in the 40-70 age range. Consistent with other programs like this, there is a lot of commentary around de-shaming, and how easy it is when there are present people who can hold our innermost truths, recognize them in themselves or the culture, and don’t flinch.  

When the first person says the unsayable thing she's carried as her private failure, her secret defect, you can feel the shame lose its grip in real time, she wasn't holding it alone.

I keep returning to a teaching on how we hold our stories: the "I" story is a frequency in human consciousness, across all space and time, and shame is no different. Whatever you're ashamed of—the body that didn't do what bodies are supposed to do, the desire that felt too big, the numbness, the diagnosis, the history you don't tell— isn't a private flaw lodged in you. It's an archetype alive in the whole human field, taking a turn through your body for now. Whatever moves through one of us is moving through all of us. The shame you think of as uniquely yours is the human field's shame, arriving in your particular life.

Anything that exists in me exists as a current in everyone. We are all living the things that are alive in the human field. The moment you say one of them aloud and another woman says, "Me too, I have that too," the spell breaks. The lie shame tells is that you are uniquely ruined. The plain fact is that you are human, carrying a human thing.

This gathers most densely in the pelvic, sexual, feminine field. So much of what we can't seem to speak about settles there: fertility and its losses, illness, violation, longing, pleasure, grief, and the thousand ways we've been taught to distrust our own bodies. Each one arrives wearing the mask of "my private defect." Each one is a frequency in all of us.

So the next time shame rises in you—and notice how it often likes to live low, in the belly, in the basin of the pelvis, the place that clenches—try saying it out loud to one safe person. Or join us in an activation session. And return a frequency to the field it came from. Watch what loosens. 

To your most beautiful, valued, sacred embodiment,

All love,

Christine Marie

Shop what’s in this story

The Nine Gifts First Aid for Mind, Body and Spirit$28.00Shop → Body Love Journal: Self Love in Action$23.00Shop → Reverence: Creating Ritual in Modern Life$32.00Shop →

Frequently asked

What does it mean to de-shame something?

De-shaming is the practice of bringing a private, hidden feeling into the open with a safe person or group. When you name what you've carried as your secret failure and another person says "me too," the shame loses its grip—because it was never a unique defect in you, but a human experience you were holding alone.

Why does so much shame seem to live in the body and pelvis?

So much of what we're taught not to speak about settles in the pelvic, sexual, feminine field: fertility and its losses, illness, violation, longing, pleasure, and grief. Each arrives wearing the mask of "my private defect," and shame often likes to live low—in the belly and the basin of the pelvis, the place that clenches.

How do I begin to release shame I've carried for a long time?

Start small and safe. The next time shame rises, try saying it out loud to one trusted person, or in a held space like a pelvic activation session. Speaking it aloud returns the feeling to the shared human field it came from, and you can watch what loosens.

Is what I'm ashamed of really that common?

Yes. The lie shame tells is that you are uniquely ruined. The plain fact is that you are human, carrying a human thing. Whatever moves through one of us is moving through all of us—the shame you think of as uniquely yours is arriving in your particular life, but it belongs to everyone.

Keep reading

• The Growing Movement to Unwind Religious Sexual Shame →
• Opening the Body After Sexual Trauma →
• Letting Go of What Other People Think →