The Art of Knowing Each Other
On body literacy and restoring the essential harmony between the sexes
What if one of the great missing ingredients in modern relationships is simply that we don't understand each other's bodies?
We spend so much time thinking about chemistry, attraction, technique and compatibility. We want to be extraordinary lovers. He wants to be the lover she never forgets, the one she craves and longs for. She wants to be that lover for him, and to be known that deeply in return. I'm all for it.
But what if great arousal and great sex begin somewhere more fundamental: understanding what's actually happening inside each other's bodies?
Become body literate first. Before technique, before performance, learn her body and learn his. Learning each other's bodies is itself an expression of love. Most of us are still learning our own, which means there's an opportunity to discover together.
Underneath the transactions and the noise about what men and women owe each other is something simpler and older: the wonder of two people recognizing each other. Seeing each other's magnificence. I believe that harmony is something worth restoring, and the body is a wonderful place to begin.
A body in cycles
Anatomy is the doorway, and it's a wonderful one. Beyond it lives something richer. A woman's body moves in cycles, monthly and across a lifetime. Her hormones shift from week to week, carrying her energy, mood, appetite and desire along with them. Across the decades she passes through distinct lives, each with its own questions and developmental tasks. At 16 she is discovering her body as her own. At 35 she may be growing a child or a company. At 50 her body is remaking itself. At 70 many women describe a sensuality freer than anything they knew at 25.
When you understand what it is like to live in each other's bodies, you can meet each other where you actually are. You both experience that as being seen. And being seen is one of the most erotic things there is.
We are all changing
Both of you are changing. Her body moves through perimenopause and menopause. His moves through his own midlife arc: testosterone begins to decline in his 30s, with the drop often steepening after 50, right around the years she's moving through menopause. Researchers have even found major molecular shifts around ages 44 and 60 in both men and women.
Every long love is two changing bodies, learning each other again and again. Couples who understand both arcs can stay in sync, or find their way back into sync. Many discover a slower, more delicious intimacy on the other side.
Harmony is our inheritance
I teach classical tantra, a lineage that holds the body as sacred and the meeting of masculine and feminine as one of life's great mysteries. In that tradition, strength and receptivity live in every one of us, and all beings need both. Harmony between the sexes is a thread we pick up and weave again every time two people turn toward each other with curiosity.
Body literacy is how that turning becomes specific. You learn each other, and you both feel known.
Nine lives, nine things to know together
The book follows a woman's nine lives, while her partner is living his own arc right alongside her. Here is one surprising truth from each stage, and what it can mean for the two of you.
1 Foundation (birth to about 12)
Did you know a baby girl is born already carrying every egg she will ever have, one to two million of them? Her whole reproductive timeline, from first period to menopause, is present in her body from day one. She also spends that first decade absorbing how the people around her feel about bodies.
For you both: Each of you arrived with a long story about bodies. Share yours, and listen to each other's.
2 Awakening (about 12 to 16)
Did you know first periods arrive anywhere from about 9 to 15, and the hormones of puberty can move her mood and self-image all at once? Women often carry vivid memories of how the people around them responded to that first bleed.
For you both: Tell each other your coming-of-age stories. Hers likely begins with her first period, and it may reveal a great deal about how she feels in her body today.
3 Sovereignty (about 17 to 25)
Did you know that in a large study, 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always climax during sex, compared with 65% of heterosexual women, while women partnered with women reported 86%? The book explores how communication and focused attention on her pleasure contribute to this difference.
For you both: Pleasure follows attention, hers and his. Tell each other what you like, and stay curious about what brings the other pleasure.
4 Matrescence (about 26 to 41)
Did you know about 85% of first-time mothers describe their first penetration after birth as uncomfortable? Around 80% have resumed sex by three months. All the while, her identity is reorganizing as profoundly as it did in adolescence.
For you both: Rebuild slowly, starting with touch and pleasure that doesn't require penetration. She sets the pace, and you rediscover each other.
5 Segue (about 42 to 49)
Did you know perimenopause can begin as early as the mid-30s and last close to a decade? Its hormonal fluctuations can bring dozens of symptoms. For some women desire dips. For others it surges. I was one of the women whose desire surged.
For you both: Her desire may surprise you both. Ask each other the question the book offers: "How are you feeling lately?"
6 Metamorphosis (about 50 to 53)
Did you know menopause lowers estrogen and testosterone and reduces blood flow to the vagina, so arousal can take longer to build and natural lubrication can lessen?
For you both: His desire may still run high while her body asks for more time. Talk about pace and pleasure together. Give arousal more time and more play, and keep lubricant and intimate balm close. Many couples find intimacy becomes newly exploratory here.
7 The Free Period (about 54 to 67)
Did you know many women experience renewed sexual freedom after menopause, sometimes just as their partner encounters his own changes in desire or erections? Neuroscientist Dr. Louann Brizendine calls this stage an upgrade, with a sharper, steadier brain.
For you both: This is a wonderful time to discover each other again. Talk about what's changing in both your bodies. She may be ready for something new.
8 The Glide (about 68 to 80)
Did you know that in a study in The New England Journal of Medicine, nearly half of sexually active women aged 65 to 74 reported having sex at least a few times a month? Many women describe their 70s as a time when intimacy becomes freer from performance: touch for the sake of joy.
For you both: Let go of the script together. Touch for its own pleasure.
9 The Resolution (80 and beyond)
Did you know women in their 80s describe intimacy ranging from holding hands to full intercourse? They adapt with cushions and new positions, and speak of tenderness over end goals. As one woman in the book puts it, passion finds quieter pathways.
For you both: Closeness is the whole point, and desire can last a lifetime.
Start with the body
The Nine Lives of Woman maps nine stages of a woman's sensual, sexual and reproductive life, from birth to 100, weaving science and story with interviews with researchers and women at every age. I wrote it for women and for the men who love them, because understanding each other changes everything.
Read it on your own, or read it side by side and talk about what surprises you. You may discover that one of the great pleasures of a long relationship is the opportunity to keep discovering the person you love.
Learn more · The Nine Lives of Woman · $29.99
This article is for education and isn't medical advice. If you or your partner have pain or persistent symptoms, talk with your provider.
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