How to Talk Like an Angel: Unconditional Love and Upliftment
Dear Rose People,
I was brought up as a rationalist, yet have always been drawn to mysteries, to the spaces in between, to what might be called spirituality, and particularly to the profound vitality of the natural world. My daily rituals often take me into these liminal realms, and I regularly engage with communities that explore these questions.
A few weeks ago, I was invited to a group session where someone channeled “angels and spirit guides”. This is a common thing around the world: some cultures call on guides, or ancestors, or totem or power animals, essences, qualities, moods, or elements. Now whether you believe in this as a literal phenomenon, or you see it as archetypal, or through a psycho-emotional lens, or you are a complete skeptic is up to you.
Regardless, the session offered one profound truth that has been echoing in my daily life: the “angels and guides” only see the best in each person.
Every single person who approached the channel for a message was reminded of their highest and best self. The guides reflected back to each individual their inherent purity of heart and true essence, creating a space where people felt seen, loved, and uplifted. This experience sparked my introspection about my own interactions where I've been less than generous or uplifting.
During my formative years, the mindsets and patterns around me included a lot of snark, sarcasm, racism, resentments and projections onto others. Very rarely were people talked about behind their back with pure love.
I was lucky to be introduced early to the work of Dr. Greg Baer. He is best known for "Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships," who teaches principles of loving others without conditions. According to Baer, real love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also real love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. It isn’t real love when other people like us for doing what they want or because we give them what they demand. The opposite of real love is conditional love, where affection or respect is dependent upon certain behaviors or meeting certain expectations. He suggests that many people only know conditional love, which leads to feelings of emptiness and can result in destructive behaviors. Baer offers strategies for finding and experiencing Real Love. This includes being truthful about one's own feelings and behaviors (he calls this "telling the truth about ourselves"), and learning to respond to others with understanding, compassion, and no negative consequences when they tell their truths. Listening to Baer’s books on audio was revelatory, especially the ones on unconditional love and parenting.
On the other hand, negative communication like criticism, judgment, and verbal abuse are so hard on us that they can lead to structural and functional changes in the brain, manifesting as anxiety, depression, aggressive behavior, and difficulties with social interaction. Additionally, it can impact relationships by creating a sense of devaluation and inadequacy in the person being criticized, leading to communication breakdown and resentment.
Renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman's research on relationship failure highlights four big red flags: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Criticism, the first horseman, involves attacking a person's character or personality rather than focusing on specific behaviors. In Gottman's research, he differentiates between a complaint, which addresses a specific action or behavior, and criticism, which is more global and likely to be perceived as an attack on the person themselves. Contempt is considered the most destructive of the four. It involves treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The third, defensiveness, is a response to criticism and contempt that can escalate conflict instead of resolving it. Lastly, stonewalling involves withdrawing from interactions and refusing to communicate, which often happens as a response to persistent criticism and contempt. Gottman emphasizes the importance of replacing these negative behaviors with positive ones, such as showing interest, expressing affection, demonstrating they matter, and maintaining a positive perspective.
This “How Angels Talk” insight simplified all this for me, and turned it into a simple question: how would an angel talk? And maybe, how would an angel BE?
They would come from a place of kindness, truth, care and sensitivity. Their body language would be consistent with the words: present, open and relaxed, adding to the feeling of love and respect. The tone of voice would be calm, gentle, and clear. Then maybe we would speak and:
- Highlight their positive traits or actions, focusing on the individual's strengths, potential for growth, their intrinsic goodness, and the positive aspects of their nature.
- Let them know that they are appreciated and valued.
- Try to see the broader picture of the person’s life, dropping bias and judgments.
- Be reassuring, comforting and encouraging.
- Provide wisdom from direct experience, without prescribing solutions.
We can hear each other's confusion and fear, and offer comfort. No complaint, or criticism, only upliftment, and see what happens.
We can offer each other words like this: “I believe in you. Your strength and resilience inspire me. Your (playfulness, creativity, wisdom, discernment??) shine from you. Your courage and authenticity is a beacon. You make the world a better place with your unique light. Even when you forget your true essence, who you really are, I will be here to remind you of your innate goodness. You belong in this world, and there's nothing you need to prove.”
And simple words, too. Like "Thank you." "I love you."
Enjoy this stunning day. AND If you’re going to be outside don’t forget to pack your SOOTHE cream for after sun! I formulated it especially for red and inflamed skin, and it is rich and delicious.
Christine Marie Mason
Founder, Rosebud Woman @rosebudwoman
Host, The Rose Woman podcast @the.rose.woman