Shifting off the Frequency of Disappointment (& of Demand Resistance, & of Disappointing Others)

Dear Rosies,

I’ve been reflecting on how we navigate those moments when our invitations to play, connect, or share joy aren’t always met the way we hope. We’ve all been there: you make a bid and it's rebuffed, and then you feel a little confused, especially if your offer generated irritation or annoyance. You offer something with excitement, whether it’s to cook up some fun or plan an adventure, and the other person just isn’t on the same wavelength. When your energy isn’t met in kind, it’s okay to feel disappointed- but then there’s a choice to make: we can harden into frustration, or we can soften, allowing ourselves to meet others where they are, even if it’s not where we’d hoped. 

Sometimes, though, we’re the ones avoiding invitations. When other people ask us to do something we come back with a no. It may be because we know what we value and want, and have clear boundaries. It may also stem from feeling like other people overtake us and we lose ourselves in the face of other people’s (personality, demands, needs, exuberances). 

Sometimes the fear (or more like the habit of fear) of disappointing others can makes anything that seems like an expectation weigh heavily on us. This can turn into “demand avoidance” —pulling back from things that might actually brings us connection and joy because we’re so used to managing others' expectations that even simple asks feel like demands, and so we resist. This is a nuanced place, we have to find our pace and drop into feeling when it’s a kneejerk or ungenerous response driven by past experiences, and when its a true desire or boundary.

At the same time, if we’re the inviter, it helps to notice when our own invitations can feel like pressure to others. What seems like a lighthearted offer to us may feel heavy to someone else. We don’t have to mute our joy, but we can soften the space around it. We care about how our actions land, so we notice when someone feels withdrawn or hesitant. Yes, it’s not our job to manage whether our excitement feels overwhelming to someone, but healthy relationships rely on mutual communication. Invite others in, but don’t attach your happiness to their response.

And yes, sometimes you’ll feel disappointment when someone can’t “find your frequency.” I still love them where they are, and I don’t need to mute my light just because someone else can’t match my energy or doesn’t share my interest or desire.... but I can’t be mad at them for being themselves. I can also be a space for others to tell me when they’re not feeling it, without guilt. You might say, “I’m excited about this, but if you’re in a different headspace, that’s okay. Let’s just be together as we are.” This takes the pressure off and creates room for authentic connection. 

I will keep extending invitations, knowing that sometimes they’ll be met and sometimes they won’t, and attune to the people for whom the invitation seems to feel heavy.

One other note on this. I have carried a story about soul mates, that you would want to have the kind of companionship that includes it all: hippie beach life and civic service; 3 day festivals and doing the sunday puzzle over coffee; family life and tantric erotic connection. Clearly, that is a LOT to ask of any one person. So we find what we share and live from that loving place.

But at this stage of life, I have many communities, playmates and tribes, and it doesn’t all have to come from one person. I have one friend who is the only person in my life I can geek out about classical music, go black tie to the symphony or the opera...and that person is not my partner. I have many friends who will join me in devotional prayerful spaces, and that set doesn’t include my partner- at least not yet. 

In short: you can’t disappoint me. We can meet each other in our desires, or now. Either way, we stay true to ourselves, loving others where they are and honoring our own light, too. 

I make nothing wrong, I approve of everyone's authentic light. It's a much easier way to live.

All Love, All the Time.

Christine Marie Founder, Rosebud Woman

Host, The Rose Woman podcast